living present

living present. not present like gift, present like focused on the now. i’m not living present anymore. and it’s scary. for example: one day i wasn’t feel well, so i took a nap close to the time by brother was being dropped off from school. i remember being woken up by the door-bell, seeing him stand by the couch asking if i was okay, then him going downstairs, and me going back to sleep. when i asked him later that day how his day was and saying i was glad he had his house key to get in, he goes, “but i didn’t use my key.” “then how did you get in?” “you opened the door for me.” i don’t remember that. i still don’t remember getting off the couch. i remember being asleep, waking up from the door-bell, seeing him by the couch, and dozing back off. sometimes i’ll leave a room to get something from another room, get there, completely forget what i was supposed to get, and go back. sometimes i remember sitting back down in my chair with a drink but not remember going to get it. it’s like chunks of time just pass by and my conscious isn’t there. woah, that sounds really scary actually, ha. but i’m not living present. i have conversations, obviously responding, but then ask that person to repeat it all when they ask me a question because i don’t remember anything. it’s like my ears just tune out the world and my sub-conscious answers… until i realize i’m having a conversation and don’t know what i’m talking about. i’ve gotta stop. i’ve gotta live present.